This winter has been crazy for me and probably everyone around me as well. I’m getting more and more involved with education and its getting me rather excited and rather afraid; I can’t imagine how hard it is for some people. But do I have to? Or should I only think of myself? I could always just reflect and see how well I do, but honestly sometimes I freak myself out way too much and get scared —so scared that I sabotage myself. It’s crazy right? Thinking about something so much that it kills you from the inside, scares you from every angle around you, has you ducking from all of the shit that’s about to fly over your head. That’s what everyone is saying at least. Teachers, students becoming teachers, online users; they are all saying that becoming a teacher is hard as hell and I believe it, and it scares me. It scares me because then I ask myself if I’m up to the task or if I’m just doing this because I have no other idea what I’ll ever be good at.
Then, Marily fixes me up again. She reminds me that I’ll be great at whatever I do and that I’m a natural born teacher. Well, she doesn’t say I’m a natural born teacher — it’s implied.
I think I am though. In 12th grade I told my whole AFJROTC class that my greatest dream was to become a great father. Of course there were a couple of “aww”s being thrown around after that, but what made it special to me was that my instructor wasn’t taken aback by it. They were okay with it —whatever that means — and he went to ask the next kid what their dream was. My greatest dream is to become a great father because I was feeling down that day, confused on what it mean to be a great father. Personally, I was going through a rough time and I wanted some guidance on what to do, but because of my situation, I wasn’t sure who I was supposed to go to and ask. My father I shunned because social pressure and the panopticon is a huge problem for everyone. Of course I’m ashamed of it, but now our relationship is better. And my grandfather, I hated — perhaps rightfully so — and so I could never go to him. I was stuck and all I could think about it how I need a person to just be their for me and hold me and tell me what I need to do to solve all of my problems. In some cheesy movie (the name of which I can’t remember now) made me feel all gushy and reminded me that fathers do exist. And so I decided that I wanted to be the best father I could be.
Now, this is how I decided to be a teacher as well. I initially enrolled at UCSB to be a biologist, but now I decided that career path wasn’t for me. However, being a teacher? That allows me to complete my greatest dream in life. Isn’t that amazing? And I get paid for it. It really is the whole package I guess. No, not “I guess,” I know. I know I’m going to be a great teacher, and I’m excited. I’m excited to kick it out of the park and teach kids and help them become confident and be there for them just like I wanted someone to be there for me as a child. There is something so special when you give a child the chance to believe in themselves. I did that with Mario this week. On Friday I was grading a student’s paper at the city’s high school and I told him that his paper was amazing, and offered to give him advice on how to improve it so that he might get the highest grade possible. Granted, it wasn’t magazine worthy, but it had amazing ideas and analysis. I could see the potential in him and I let him know that I saw it in his paper. What got to me was when I told Mario that his paper had amazing ideas in it he said surprisingly, “Really?”
It may not be much — you had to be there — but there was such a sense of surprise and excitement in his voice that it let me know he hadn’t heard this in a long time. That’s heartbreaking to me. Even more so since I know he can do this great work now. Now I know that I will do my absolute best to boost the confidence of every student that sets foot in my classroom — because they try their damn hardest to just stay alive at these times. My classroom will be a place they can grow; grow tall like the beautiful flowers they are.
So yeah, my winter has been crazy, exciting, fun,and stressful. I have learned a lot about myself and I have learned that I can’t do it alone. Just as I have had my partner Marily to hold me up, I will hold others up to the level of confidence that they need to succeed in life.
Here is your song today
No comments:
Post a Comment